Chariots and Horses

Sometimes I forget just how much I lean on my husband. As a housebound person with multiple chronic illnesses, including narcolepsy with cataplexy , there are a lot of things I just can't do for myself. He is my caretaker, my closest friend, and the person who best understands my limitations. When he's not available to me, it's pretty scary. He's on a missions trip in another country right now, and I've been basically alone except for a person who comes to sit with me at night (lest I burn the house down or fail to wake up from my strong sleep medicine should it begin to burn down around me).

Recently he had a very scary, dire incident with his diabetes, and I had to call an ambulance. In addition to worrying about his life I remember thinking, "What am I going to do if something happens to him? Who's going to take care of ME?" Watching him deteriorate quickly from insulin shock right before my eyes was one of the scariest things I ever had to experience. I just kept praying, "Jesus, help me!" in pure desperation, over and over. Because he's such a strong person and focuses most of his energy on caring for ME, it's easy to forget that he has physical limitations too.

With his being gone this week, I've had a renewed sense of how much I depend on him not only for my physical needs, but also for emotional support for the struggles of life. I've had a couple of melt-downs, especially upon hearing that he's had some really rough times with minor insulin shock on the missions trip. My parents and my best friend, who are hundreds of miles away, have done their best to comfort and encourage me, but God began reminding me today that He is my rock, my shelter, my deliverer, my defender, and my refuge. Even when I'll all alone in the physical sense, He is here to hold me up.

I was struck by how important it was for ancient kings to have an arsenal of strong horses and the best chariots so that they could defend themselves in battle, much like our military today depends upon tanks, planes, and weapons for our defense. But King David wisely realized that he could not trust in any sword, or spear, or chariots, or horses to deliver him because the battle is the Lord's, and He is the one who would deliver them. It's so easy for me to see my husband as THE one who meets my needs, and I'm thankful to have someone like him in my life. But today God reassured me of His presence and that I only have to call on HIS name. Lord, help me to put my trust in You.

"Some trust in chariots, and some in horses; but we will remember the name of the LORD our God." -Psalm 20:7

"Beautiful Things Happen When a Woman Trusts God" by Sheila Walsh

A Book Review

Fear: a tool used by the Enemy to keep us from God's purpose for our lives. That fear often paralyzes us, keeping us from having the courage to believe God has it all under control. But as Sheila Walsh shares the story of her own struggles with fear and the journey of several Bible characters who also had to overcome fear to come to a place of faith, we find that beautiful things do indeed happen when we begin to trust God.

I am not usually one who enjoys non-fiction books, but as someone with chronic illness who struggles daily with the subject of trusting God, I was inexplicably drawn to this topic. And I soon discovered God had some amazing lessons in store as Sheila shared her heart through these pages. I was captivated by how closely I identified with both Sheila and the biblical figures as they wrestled with their fear of being too broken for God to use, fear of allowing others to see their failures, or fear that they may have missed their chance in life to do something for God. I feel that anyone who reads this amazing book will come away knowing that, like Sheila, "all I have to offer anyone else is a life surrendered to Christ so that his beauty and grace shine through my brokenness" (p.15).

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

How to Surprise a Control Freak

I am not an easy person to surprise. I ask a lot of questions and like to have a lot of details. I like to know what's going on so that I can make a plan...and a back-up plan...and a back-up plan for my back-up plan. Basically, I'm a control-freak. It's something God and I have been working on for a long time, believe me. At least I freely admit it now, which is actually a big step for me. So when my dear husband decided to surprise me for Valentine's Day, he knew he was really in for a tough time.

We had already decided we didn't want to do the expensive dinner out thing. For one, I had not been feeling well for the past couple days. I had pulled my chest muscles working out, and it aggravated my hiatal hernia so that I couldn't stand to eat anything that wasn't soft...like mashed potatoes or oatmeal. We weren't gonna go to Morton's and order mashed potatoes for an entree. I honestly was in the mood to just stay in and watch a movie together on the couch. But he told me to be ready that evening to go out and eat at at a casual restaurant; you know...somewhere they don't frown on people eating mashed potatoes as a meal. I really dragged my feet on getting ready. I didn't feel like going out, and I kept asking my brother if he knew whether my husband was planning something specific or not because I really wanted to stay home, but I didn't want to ruin any plans he might have. He wasn't helping.

When it was time to leave and my sweetheart handed me a list of restaurants in a particular town to choose from, I got a little annoyed. If he was forcing me to go out, he could have at least planned something! I don't like to go to resstaurants that I've never heard of. I try to stick with chain restaurants or restaurants that have been personally recommended so that I know what to expect. Again with the control-freak thing. Of course, in this little town, there wasn't an Olive Garden or a Red Lobster to be found. So I ask why we must eat in this particular town. Couldn't we just eat somewhere like Ruby Tuesday's in the city and then go home? he tells me that he wants to at least head down in the direction of the little town, but we can stop and eat along the way. I ask what's so important in the town...he tells me to be patient and stop asking questions.

So we eat at a casual chain restaurant, and then we just start driving. I ask where we're headed. He tells me to please just enjoy the drive and not ask questions. But I want to know if we're headed somewhere specific or are just driving aimlessly. He starts to get a little annoyed with me. Then we stop at a couple of our commercial clients' properties, and he shows me the new mulch we just put down that week. I'm like "Ok. That's nice, but are we going somewhere?" We drive some more. Then we head into a subdivision that we take care of for another client. He asks me if I've ever seen that property before, and I very impatiently tell him I really don't care, and are we just going to take a tour of all our customers' properties or are we actually doing something? Finally, he drives up to a hotel and spa inside the subdivision. I never even knew it was there! He announces that we're spending the night there and that he had already packed my stuff and brought it with us. My first thought? Oh, no! He probably forgot my contact solution, my glasses, my medicine. I bet he didn't pack me the right clothes! So I start going down this list with him, quizzing him on what he brought. He tells me to just be patient and go inside.

When I got inside, I was truly amazed. He had been to the resort before me and had already checked into the room to prepare it for me. He had 6 dozen multi-colored roses either spread out all over the bed or in vases on the tables. There were candles everywhere. And dark chocolate. And my clothes were in the closet! All my hair products and toothbrush and hairdryer were all put away in the bathroom vanity! It was much more than I would have ever expected. And it just felt good that he knew what would please me and make me feel comfortable and relaxed...and loved. Then I felt like a jerk. I had interrogated him about all the details of what we were doing. I had gotten annoyed when I thought he didn't have a plan. I had not trusted him to know me well enough to know what I would like or what I would need. Yet he had something prepared for me that I would never have guessed or expected. But it was just what I wanted and just what I needed.

I was reminded of my heavenly Father. He loves me with a love to which my husband could never compare. He tells me in His precious love letter, the Bible, that He has a plan for me. He says that He has prepared great things for me that are above anything that I could ever ask or think. But I want to know now. Where are You taking me, Lord? Will I like it when we get there? Maybe You should tell me the details now so I can prepare. Or maybe I would rather do something else besides what You have planned. Will we be there soon, or are we just wandering around wasting time? I really need to know. Maybe You forgot, Lord, but I have some special needs; I can't do things that other people - healthy people - can do. You may not have thought it through, but there are things You really should take into consideration. God, why are stopping here? I don't see what this has to do with anything. But all time, He knows what the end will be. He knows that when I finally see His plan that it will all fall into place and I will see that He truly knows me and loves me better than I even know myself. If only I had trusted. If only I had waited patiently for the surprise. But I'm a control freak. It's something God and I have been working on for a long time.

“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.” I Corinthians 2:9