Pursued

"Why do I always have to be the one that pursues people? Sometimes I want to be pursued!" This was my outcry as I recently explained to a friend how sad and frustrating it can be trying to make friends with women when you have two "strikes" against you: 1. chronic illness and 2. no children. It took me years to figure out what the problem was; I kept wondering what I was doing wrong. Was I not friendly enough? Did I talk too much? Was I too self-centered? Should I have done more to reach out? But then I started to notice how women with children were always getting together with women who had children. They would go to the mall together, take the kids to the zoo, or invite them over for a lunch picnic. I tried to invite women to things that centered on their children, like a day at the beach with her kids. But I kept striking out. I figured that's just one club I will never be invited into.

But even women in different stages of life - single, married with no children, married with older or grown children - they didn't seem to connect with me either. I never got invites for a "girls' night out" or shopping trip. I even tried to have things like make-up or jewelry parties at my house so that I could interact with other women and get to know them better. It wasn't until a recent conversation with my Life Coach that my fears were confirmed: people don't want to be friends with someone who has chronic illness. It's too complicated and requires too much commitment and energy; so why bother? I realize it's more complicated to make plans with me because I need a lot of notice, don't have the stamina for a long day out, and require a lot of "paraphernalia" just to leave the house. But I just wish someone would think I was worth the extra effort.

Ironically, there have been a couple ladies who have reached out to me. But I soon learned they viewed me as a "ministry" or a "project" and not as a real friend. I guess they felt it was their duty to take me to doctor appointments or visit me in the hospital. But when it came time for the fun stuff, I never made their guest list. And those same women never seemed to have any problems of their own. They never asked me for help or prayer and never shared their frustrations about their marriage or finances. It started to feel very one-sided. I wanted to share in her life and be a friend to her. But you don't make friends with your project.

God has blessed me with a very small number of friends who have loved me through some of the most difficult times in my life. But most of these women live far away and can't interact with me in person. We talk on the phone, on Facebook, or by email, and they are a blessing in my life as I believe I am in theirs. But it's just not the same as having a day at the mall or getting mani-pedi's at the day spa. Maybe that's just too much commitment. I wish someone would think I was worth the trouble and pursue a real friendship with me.

"My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds; my neighbors stay far away" - Psalm 38:11.