Easy Button - The Conclusion

So, whatever happened with my search for the Easy Button? I'm sure you're dying to know "the rest of the story." I am too! I don't think there IS an end. But there's definitely a lesson in there somewhere. I've been praying for over a year now that God would "show me great and mighty things I do not know" in regard to my health, our business, and my marriage. If you've read previous posts, you know I have these "333" sightings all the time and use them to remind me of Jeremiah 33:3. Each time I see the triple 3's, I pray that request to God. The past 18 months have been very difficult and very uncomfortable. In my experience, if you keep trusting God through times like these, it usually results in God doing a great work in your life. But I'll admit it: I can be impatient. And God and I have had some pretty heated conversations over the past several months. I even asked HIM about the Easy Button. And here's what He told me:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

He kept giving me that passage, and I didn't get it at first. But then I changed my outlook and decided to trust that God had a purpose in all of this. I still don't know everything He has planned, but I started to see that he'd been answering my prayers all along. Without the recent seriousness of my health condition, I don't think I would have had the motivation to take charge of my health like I have. After just a few months, I have seen amazing improvements in my body. I believe there are better days ahead. When we moved from our beautiful home, I was hurt and angry. But the house we live in now is within 15 minutes of our clients and my doctors. And we live within a few miles of all the health food stores where I do a lot of my food shopping. We have a much smaller yard and home to take care of. This has taken a huge amount of stress off my husband, who had to drive at least an hour to get home from work every day, to take me to the doctor, and to make a special trip out here to get the food I need from the health food store. If I have an emergency at home, he can get to me in minutes, and he's been getting home earlier each evening.

There have been some other opportunities in the area of our business that have opened up because of our move, although we're still waiting to see how God works this out. And although I still don't have the answers about why we don't seem to have a support system in our lives to help out with the heavy burden my health puts on our lives, I am hopeful that the Lord will give us His divine revelation on practical ways we can lessen that burden on my husband's life. God has blessed me with the opportunity to work with a Christian life coach, and she gave me a great word picture to give me hope in this area. She explained that people often say, "that's the last straw," in referring to that circumstance that causes someone to say like Popeye, "That's all I can stands; I can't stands no more!" But what if we could remove things, one straw at a time - one burden at a time? We don't have to solve all our problems with some big epiphany all at once. Sometimes it's just one little solution at a time. And that sounds do-able to me.

So, although I didn't find a big red button to push, I'm starting to understand that quiet voice that keeps telling me, "Give it to Me; let Me carry that weight for you. Just rest in My loving arms and trust." His yoke is easy, and His burden is light.

Easy Button - Continued

The whole object of my going up to Michigan to be with my family was to give my husband a break from being my full-time caregiver and to get a "jump-start" on my new "detox" program, right? It was supposed to be like the Easy Button. But I think we pressed the wrong button. Because shortly after I got to Michigan we found out that we were going to have to move.

Now, in order to understand the full impact this news had on us, you would have to know a few things: 1) We have moved A LOT in our ten years of marriage; probably more than most people move in a lifetime, and we were DONE with moving. 2)Our house and our property was our "dream house." We had always talked about living on 10 acres out in the country, but we thought we would have to find a piece of land and slowly build a home on it. But when we first drove up to this house, I just could not believe it; the perfect piece of land with a beautiful house already built on it! So we had poured our hearts into this home and this land. We painted most of the rooms and even painted a football field on the wall of the office, where we hung all of our football memorabilia. My husband laid a beautiful paver patio, with a walkway leading out to the pool we put in. He made me a prayer garden under a big tree in the front yard. We had stocked our pond with hundreds of fish and had been feeding them every night and watching them grow. My husband had made me a tree swing in the back yard. We had planted trees in memorial to the babies we had lost. We had fallen in love with our home and put down roots for the FIRST time in our marriage. This was devastating. 3)We had less than 3 weeks to pack up and move, and we had no where to move. 4)I was in no condition to pack, and I was 1000 miles away!

I think I cried for 48 hours straight. And I spent the next few weeks with a giant knot in my stomach and a sharp pain in my chest. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I couldn't even pray. I could not fathom why God would allow this to happen to us in the midst of all of the other major things we were experiencing. And I remember thinking, "One of us is going to have a heart attack or a nervous breakdown." I honestly was afraid for my husband's emotional well-being; he'd already been at his breaking point before we got this latest news. I mean, that's why I was in Michigan in the first place. He was already overwhelmed, and the last thing he needed was to make the biggest move of our lives ALL BY HIMSELF. I shared my concerns with a couple of people from my church and even asked them to please check in with him because I was so concerned. NOT A SINGLE PERSON FROM OUR CHURCH CONTACTED EITHER OF US IN ANY WAY DURING THOSE 3 WEEKS THAT WE WERE GOING THROUGH SOME OF THE MOST DIFFICULT DAYS OF OUR LIVES. NOT ONE. This broke my heart even more.

To Be Continued...

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: Narcolepsy with Cataplexy
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2007
3. But I had symptoms since: 1993
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: to let things go. I can't do everything I want to do, and I can't do it perfectly. I have learned I have limitations.
5. Most people assume: I'm lazy or just enjoy sleeping a lot
6. The hardest part about mornings are: getting ready to leave the house is a HUGE undertaking. I have to take a break after every step. Take a shower; take a break. Get dressed; take a break.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: Mystery Diagnosis
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: motorized wheelchair
9. The hardest part about nights is: getting myself ready to go to sleep. I have to take a bunch of medicine, set two alarms so I can wake up in 4 hrs to take my second dose of meds, clean my CPAP mask and put water in the machine, plus all the normal stuff like brushing my teeth, etc. When I'm so tired I can hardly stand up, it's a nightmare.
10. Each day I take 21 pills & vitamins.
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: have found that they cannot be used to the exclusion of traditional treatments and vice versa.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: visible because then I wouldn't have to explain myself all the time.
13. Regarding working and career: I can NEVER work a normal 9-5 job because I don't have the stamina and can't be depended on to be somewhere at a certain time. I work from home and help with my husband's business as much as I can.
14. People would be surprised to know: how much I struggle with feeling inadequate and unproductive
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: having to admit I can't do things and having to depend on others to help
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: graduate college. It took me until I was 29, and I dropped out, dropped classes, and asked for extensions more times that I can count. But I did it!
17. The commercials about my illness: what commercials? Most doctors don't even know what cataplexy is. I carry info sheets with me wherever I go in case I have an attack.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: DRIVING!!!
19. It was really hard to have to give up: singing in the choir and singing specials at church
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: bird watching
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: not know where to begin. It's been 16 years since I've felt "normal," so I don't know if I would recognize it if it actually happened.
22. My illness has taught me: to be compassionate and empathetic toward others
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "It must be nice to stay home and relax all day!"
24. But I love it when people: offer to pick things up from the store for me or take me out for an afternoon
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: Romans 5:3-5 "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: it's normal to grieve over the loss of your health and your dreams and goals for your life. Don't worry about putting on a brave front. God sees your pain; don't be afraid to let others see it so they can love you and hurt with you.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: no one will ever understand completely what it is like for me to live with my illness, so I cannot expect that from people
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: came over and cleaned my house and didn't make me feel bad about how dirty some things were
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: there are so many hurting people that are feeling alone in their illness, but spreading awareness can bring hope to those people like it brought hope to me.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: that you love me enough to learn more about my struggles.

Find out more about National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week and the 5-day free virtual conference with 20 speakers Sept 14-18, 2009 at www.invisibleillness.com

Living on the OTHER Side of the Bridge

I've been reading Don Piper's book Heaven is Real since I went to hear him speak at a little church down at the beach several weeks ago. His first book 90 Minutes in Heaven really ministered to me, as I mentioned in a previous post called "Heaven's Sounding Sweeter." In this recent book he talks more about his life after the car accident and how he discovered that when he literally crossed the bridge at the time of the accident, he left the life he had known and began a new life that included a lot of pain, as well as many physical, emotional, and spiritual challenges. He goes on to use the term "crossing a bridge" as a metaphor for the changes we all face in life when we leave the life we knew behind and enter a new life. (i.e. leaving your parents home and going to college; leaving your single life and entering marriage; leaving a career for retirement, etc).

I had to stop reading the book. I needed time to really chew on the concept of crossing bridges in my own life. I believe I crossed a major bridge in my life at the age of 16 when my health began to fail. I went from being an athletic, energetic achiever to a sick person almost overnight. As my health has progressed from bad to worse over the 16 years that followed, I struggled with the question of my purpose in life. I kept waiting for this major event to happen that would make it clear why God has allowed my life to so drastically change. Then I began to live in a fantasy world in my mind where I was completely healthy again and things were back to "normal." It was only about a year-and-a-half ago that I actually accepted the idea that God may never allow me to regain my health in this life and that my purpose may be to be an encouragement to others that are walking through difficult circumstances. This was a major spiritual and emotional breakthrough for me that changed my entire outlook on life. But something still wasn't right, and I didn't know what it was.

People have all kinds of advice to give me on how I should be living, how I should handle my health issues, and which passages in the Bible they feel I need them to point out to me. But in reading this book I think I've figured it out: I have accepted my poor health as a part of the life God has for me here on earth, but I don't know how to actually live this life. I don't know how to be a sick person. I don't know to live in this frail body. I'm willing to accept that I have a different life, but I just haven't learned what to do with it. I don't know what to do on the other side of the bridge.

For example, I recently began a new workout routine that includes cardio and weight training; and when I decide to do something, I commit to it 110%. I was out in the garage every single evening just really pushing myself. My husband kept telling me that I was trying to do too much, but I don't really understand the concept of "taking it slow." So just as I'm beginning to really master this new routine, I pulled a muscle in my back. I felt like I lost this entire week, and I was just worrying that I would lose so much ground not working out that it would put me right back where I was before I started. If I had acted like a person with a disease that affects my muscles and just started out really slow and worked up to the level I started at, I probably wouldn't be blogging right now with a giant blue ice pack behind me. In my mind, I often forget that I'm not someone who can physically do what others can do. I'm trying to be the person I used to be instead of the person God wants me to be right now.

So God sent someone to my home to work on my back. But she did much more than that. She reminded me that God knows right where I'm at, and he loves me just as I am. I don't have to push myself to be someone I am not capable of being. Perhaps God wants me to be still and really get to know Him in a way I could never know Him if I was running around doing all the things I used to do. He chose me to be set aside right now so that we could spend some time together while I learn how to live the life He has for me.

Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.
-Psalm 25:4-5