Permanently Disabled

Photo taken from the gun deck at Castillo de San Marcos, by my sweet husband so that I could see it too!

I guess I look like a healthy person. People can't usually tell just at a glance that I struggle with many chronic illnesses. But whenever I want to do an activity where there's a lot of standing or walking, I have to use a power wheelchair to get around. Then I'm suddenly categorized as a "disabled person." But until last Friday, I had never had anyone ask if I am "permanently disabled." The question really threw me.

We were spending the afternoon together in St. Augustine, enjoying the beautiful weather and browsing the little shops. We decided to ask if I would be able to go into the fort with my wheelchair. That's when I got The Question. (Apparently people with permanent disabilities get to go in for free. And if you get a Permanent Disability Pass, you can get into any National Park for free also). I guess it just kind of hit me hard because I had to literally stop and let the fact wash over me that my illness is most likely a permanent condition. I've been trying everything under the sun to change that, and I've definitely been able to improve my condition and my quality of life to some degree. But I'll probably never be able to climb the steps to the St. Augustine lighthouse or go up to the gun deck of the fort ever again. I was feeling a little sorry for myself as I watched from below as my husband took the stairs up to the gun deck.

I've been procrastinating for almost two years on filing for my Social Security disability, and I wasn't quite sure why. But I now realize it's just been a matter of denial. I really hoped that I would never need to claim the status of Disabled. I think I saw it as admitting defeat to my illness. And I'm not a quitter. Never mind the fact that our health expenses and food budget have both DOUBLED over the past two years due to my illnesses and that we could really use that money to offset some of those extra bills. Not to mention that I don't want to be dependent on society, my husband, or anyone else to care for me. But that's just part of my reality. I guess it's time to accept it.