I Want My Mommy!

Originally Posted Sunday, November 9, 2008

I wonder if any other grown woman has ever had the thought, "I want my mommy!" I have certainly had that thought many times as an adult. I'm sure it's partly due to the fact that I have such a caring, compassionate mother who took wonderful care of me as a child and many times as an adult as well. I've had many surgeries in my life, beginning at age 12, and my mom has always been there to care for me and help me recover after surgery. But two days ago, I had my first major surgery without the benefit of having my mom here to help me get through those first few difficult days following surgery. And I found myself thinking several times, "I want my mommy!"

If you've never experienced major surgery, you could not know the pain and discomfort that comes from the very moment you wake up from the anesthesia. On Friday, I had surgery to remove a large kidney stone that has been lodged in my urinary tract for over a month. They implanted a stint in the ureter to expand the tube, allowing them access to the stone, in order to break it up with a laser. They left the stint in so that the tube can drain and any remaining pieces of the stone can also pass. I really didn't expect to be in such great pain after this surgery, especially since there weren't any incisions. But when I woke up, I remember literally writhing around and crying out loud from the intense pain. The nurse came by to give me a shot of morphine, but it didn't even phase the pain. So I begged her for another shot, which also didn't stop the pain. She finally gave me a third shot of a different pain drug, which did finally at least take the edge off. The nurse said I couldn't have anything more because it was affecting my breathing; she told me to take my own oral pain meds when I returned to my room. And that's how it's been ever since. Constant pain.

I remember the nurse telling me I could go home as soon as I could urinate without a catheter. Hating the hospital as I do, I made it my life's mission to go to the bathroom. It hurt...really bad. And there was a LOT of blood. The nurse said this was to be expected, but she didn't tell me how long it would last. It's been 5 days now (it's now Wednesday, 11/12), and I am still in a significant amount of pain. My life basically consists of sleeping, waking up to urgently go to the bathroom, drinking a bunch of water, taking more pain medicine, and going back to sleep. For the first several days I could only sleep for maybe an hour at a time; now I can make it 2-3 hours before I wake up feeling like I'm going to explode if I don't make it to the bathroom. There's still quite a bit of blood, but after panicking about three days into this, I heard straight from the doctor that the pain and bleeding would go on for "several days." I'll say!

A couple friends from my Bible Study Fellowship at church have stopped by to visit and to bring a meal, but mostly I've been on my own with this whole experience. I finally mustered up the strength to take a real shower last evening. I have this shower bench my husband bought me so that I can still shower when I can't stand up...usually from cataplexy...but it still hurt to bend and reach and stuff. By the time I was finished, I was ready for my heating pad and some serious pain drugs. I have basically not been able to go more than 10 minutes without the heating pad. I've thrown in some loads of laundry and even emptied out the dishwasher, but just being on my feet or bending down seems to really stir up the pain. I have really missed my mom being here to bring me food and water, remind me to take my medicine, and to keep up with all the everyday stuff while I rest. But I guess everyone has to grow up sometime. It's like God was saying to me, "You don't need your mom because you have your Father."

So maybe that's the lesson here. Maybe I needed to struggle on my own because I needed to stop saying, "I want my mommy," and realize, "I need my Father!" And He's been here. In the middle of the night when I didn't know how I was going to make it another moment from the intense pain. When the antibiotics had me so sick to my stomach I thought I would faint. When it seemed like no one really understood what I was going through. He was here, just like He promised. And maybe I'm stronger now. Maybe next time I need strength, nurturing, and a little comfort and compassion I will remember this experience and say, "I need my Father; and I know He is here."