Top 10 Ways to Discourage Someone with Chronic Illness

Originally Posted Friday, October 3, 2008

I have been very transparent about what it's like to have chronic illness for a long period of time. If you've followed my posts, you know that I struggle with faith as I journey through the path God has for me on this earth. I'm not perfect, and I'm not a guru of any kind; I'm just a regular person with hopes and dreams, feelings and emotions. The Bible tells us that they things we say, down to our choice of words, have the power to destroy or to build up. When a brother or sister is going through a struggle in life, sometimes it only takes a brief statement or conversation to push them off that fence to one side or another. From my own experience, allow me to share my very own Top 10 list of things NOT to say to someone dealing with chronic illness.
1. DON'T brag about how you never take a sick day; you cannot begin to imagine that person's situation or how their body is affected by their illness. You would probably be amazed at what they go through to attend the events they do make it to.

2. DON'T make them feel like an inconvenience when they start to feel poorly in the middle of your plans for the day. They can't predict how they're going to feel at any given time, so making them feel guilty about their illness won't accomplish anything but causing them discouragement.

3. DON'T act like a martyr when they need your help. People with chronic illness struggle with wanting to feel independent while needing assistance from others. You could cause them to fear asking for help when they really need it.

4. DON'T pressure them to do things they physically cannot do. If they're worn out, you should offer to shorten your plans if possible; or, you could find them a comfortable spot where they can take a break while you finish your errand.

5. DON'T assume that they feel great because they haven't complained of any symptoms or because they look okay to you. Our society teaches us to hide our weaknesses from others; but you can provide a safe environment for that loved one to be open with you if they are struggling.

6. DON'T neglect to invite them to events just because you assume they won't be able to make it. It is VERY encouraging to know people still think of you and want you to be with them, even if you may not feel up to attending.

7. DON'T make suggestions about how they could better deal with their life or their medical issues. You should never presume you could advise someone when you do not know what it's like to be in their situation. Even if you've had the exact same illness before, your experience may not be the same...people are not clones.

8. DON'T tell them they are a burden, a responsibility you feel obligated to bear, a bad hand you've been dealt in life, or that they are useless and do not contribute to anyone. This area is one of the biggest fears most of us with chronic illness has; remind them of the ways they make your life better just by being there with you. It will make their whole day...trust me.

9. DON'T imply that they are lazy or have a life of luxury because they cannot work or do household chores due to illness. Most of us with chronic illness are "doers" trapped in a sedentary body that can't keep up with our imaginations. We would LOVE to trade places with you if we could.

10. DON'T tell them how selfish they are for needing help and attention from others because of their illness. How crazy is it to be jealous of a person for being ill and taking the attention off you? I am sure they would much rather be in the background and feel "normal" rather than cause a scene due to their illness. If you honestly feel the need for some attention, ask for it like a rational, mature human being. Don't punish your sick friend or family member.

I think we all need to memorize I Corinthians 13 to remind ourselves regularly what love really and truly is. If we truly love one another, others will know that we love God and know God. If we do not show love, it is because we are not of God (I John 4:7,8). If we do not have love, it will come out in our words. And our words have the power to change someone's life.

"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." Proverbs 16:24

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue..." Proverbs 18:21