A Tootsie Roll Life
Originally Posted Thursday, October 30, 2008
I have to be honest with you...I'm frustrated, I'm angry, and I'm discouraged. I'm not ready to "curse God and die" or anything, but I'm really at the end of all human wisdom, energy, and determination to get help with my medical issues. It has been a long time since I've felt this little confidence in doctors; there have definitely been times in the past when, for good reason, I have completely given up on conventional medicine. I remember when I was 19 years old and had been having a major health crisis for months (which I only recently discovered was caused by narcolepsy with cataplexy). My parents had taken me to every specialist they could find, I'd had every test imaginable, I'd been accused of having psychological problems, and I'd even been told by my friends that I was suffering due to sin in my life (my friends and Job's had a lot in common), and still no one had an answer for me. I can remember as if it were yesterday that as my dad and I walked out to the car after a particularly frustrating doctor visit, I begged my dad to stop taking me to doctors. I told him I would rather suffer with whatever is wrong with me than go through the agony of another unproductive visit where I ultimately was blamed for causing my own symptoms. I'm pretty much at that point again. I'm ready to flush all my medicine down the toilet and just do the best I can on my own.
I know that probably sounds pretty drastic to you, but it's truly where I'm at. I have had every test done and seen every specialist available to diagnose this abdominal pain, digestive issues, and now urinary symptoms. I met with a surgeon today whose brilliant deduction was that I have a benign tissue tumor under my left rib cage that somehow is causing the pain in that area, as well as all the pain in my lower back. His explanation for all the other symptoms? Of course, those things are completely unrelated to this issue. Hello! This does not make sense. My body is not made up of several independent sections; all the organs, glands, and other tissue in my body is interrelated. That seems like very basic, common sense to me. Why can't any doctor look at me and see a whole living organism? I am not a pancreas; I am not a gallbladder; I am not a hypothalamus gland in the brain; I am not a colon. I am a person - a sick person - and I am not being helped. I'm being financially, emotionally, and physically drained. Yet, I am getting worse. Perhaps at my autopsy a medical examiner will discover what it was that was making me sick. It really seems that will be the outcome.
I have 3 more appointments with specialists coming up that I'm very, very tempted to cancel. I just had to change primary physicians for the fourth time this year. I'm still in pain and have no reasonable explanation to determine what is causing it. And just to make things even more wonderful, I have now been determined to be "morbidly obese." What a lovely label. Everyone wants me to have weight-loss surgery; they claim it will be a miracle cure for all that ails my body. I'm not buying it. I was sick WAY before I was fat. Those of you who have known me longer than a just a few years remember how sick my thin, athletic body was before the dreaded weight gain began. I actually now weigh over TWICE what I weighed when I got married almost 10 years ago. I don't even recognize myself anymore. And, of course, although this miracle surgery will supposedly make me healthy, my insurance company will not consider paying one penny toward the surgery. I have to come up with $15,000 before I can even have this wonderful surgery, where either a saline-filled band is permanently installed around the top section of my stomach in order to deprive me of nutrition; or, where they slice off 3/4 of my stomach. Does anyone else think this sounds rather drastic? But this is the only option I am being offered at this point.
The only reason I am even considering it is because I can't stand the sight of myself for one thing, and because it will be refreshing to see how all these doctors explain my health problems when I am no longer overweight. They won't be able to blame my illness on obesity anymore. I predict I will suddenly be referred to doctors in the psychiatric realm. After all, if a fat girl is sick it's because she's depressed and sits around overreating; if a thin girl is sick and they can't figure out why, it's because she has psychological issues. But at least I won't cry every time I look in the mirror, so I guess that's a plus. So if you know anyone who needs to shelter 15 grand for tax purposes, I'm accepting donations for the cause. I mean, if I'm gonna be sick all my life, I may as well look good doing it.
Don't get all worried now. I still love Jesus and believe God is good. I still believe I can glorify Him with my life, even if that is through physical suffering or death. But reality isn't always pretty. And I can't sit around singing "Praise You in this Storm" 24/7. I'm going to have bad days; this particular one just happens to be available for public viewing. Don't pretend you haven't been down before; in fact, don't pretend at all. I'm tired of pretending....I spent the first 20 years of my life trying to pretend I was living up to some person or some group's ideal of what it means to "live for God." I've had enough of that. I'm ready to be authentic and to live a Tootsie Roll life (same on the inside as on the outside) instead of a Tootsie Roll Pop life (a hard candy shell covering up what's really on the inside). I promised you that I would be honest in this blog, and this is as honest as it gets, my friend. The cool thing is that God already knows my heart, and He still chooses me and loves me as I am. How cool is that?
