Heaven's Sounding Sweeter All the Time

Originally Posted Thursday, September 4, 2008
I'll admit, this is a really tough one for me to repost. As I reread what I wrote 4 months ago, it reminds me that I continuously struggle with this issue of finding purpose in suffering. I definitely do not have it all figured out, but maybe posting this again will be a good reminder for me and for you that although we may not understand God's ways, we have to trust His wisdom and sovereignty.

I recently finished reading the book 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper. It's the story of a pastor who was in a terrible car accident and was pronounced dead at the scene, only to have another pastor come along over one hour later and pray over him, having been impressed upon by God to do so. While he was literally dead for 90 minutes, he went to heaven and had some amazing experiences; but as the preacher prayed, Don awakened back on earth in his broken, disfigured body. He not only details his heavenly experiences, but what it was like during his recovery and life after the accident. Of course I was awed by the details of his journey to heaven, but that's not what struck me most about the book. I really related to how he felt about coming back to a life changed forever by his terrible accident.

My family and close friends joke that I have OCD or that I remind them of Monk from the USA network detective drama, so you must understand that I would NEVER mark in a book. It took me years before I could bring myself to highlight or make notes in my Bible, no matter how badly I wanted to do so. But I actually highlighted these few sentences in Don Piper's book where he describes how he felt knowing his mangled body would never be the same and that there were no guarantees they could save his limbs. "I believe, however, that because I faced an unknown outcome and the pain never let up, I kept feeling I had little future to look forward to. Most of the time I didn't want to live." My situation is much different from his, but I so strongly related to that statement. I had surgery at age 16, and from the time of that surgery my health went into a steady decline that has continued up to this point. I went to doctor after doctor and had test after test, but no one could seem to pinpoint exactly what was happening to me. New symptoms would come up year after year, and still no one could help me. I even went through a time period of a couple years where I refused to see a doctor unless I had a medical issue that was clearly visible to the eye. I just couldn't hear one more doctor tell me that they couldn't help me. For more than 15 years, I too was "faced with an unknown outcome' and felt "I had little future to look forward to."

While reading the book, when I realized that God had allowed him for a brief time to experience the wonders of heaven and then brought him back to life to endure a lifetime of excruciating pain, I stopped and exclaimed out loud to God, "How could You do that? What were You thinking? Why would You give him a glimpse into heaven only to exchange it for a difficult, painful, and depressing life here on earth? Why, why, why? I just don't understand how You could do that to him!" I have never seen heaven like Don Piper, but I know that I would be in a place with no pain, no sorrow, I would have a brand-new body, and I could be in the very Presence of God and sing to Him and worship Him and adore Him forever and ever. I could be with the children I've lost, my grandparents who have died, and all the awesome people in the Bible who have inspired me by their lives. Why doesn't God just take me Home to be with Him? What possible purpose do I have here on this earth if I'm sick all the time? I don't really see many people because I'm home all the time by myself. I can't really serve regularly in any church ministry because I regularly miss services or have months at a time where I am ill. I can't have a job, I can't have children, I can't take care of my own home or often my own personal needs, and I am basically a burden on my loved ones. What do I have to contribute to this world?

There have been times when I have begged God to let me die, to just take me Home to be with Him. There have been times when I seriously contemplated taking my own life to escape the pain and deep depression. There are still times when I question God's purpose for me and feel that I cannot endure any more struggle in this frail body. I'll admit I don't understand why God felt He could choose me to bear these burdens. I don't feel like I'm this great example of faith or strength. This past year, like Don Piper describes in his book, I too have found that people all over the world are hurting, maybe not physically, but they are hurting. They honestly don't think they will make it, and they just can't face the future. For some reason, hearing my story is an encouragement to them. They seem to feel that they can face their challenges in life because I've had so many for so long, and I'm still going. That's really not what I expected, wanted, or aspired to in my life, but if that's God's plan for me, then that's what I'll do. I hope my life will somehow bring Him glory and bring others closer to Him.

But each day, I long for heaven a little bit more. I want to see Jesus just a little bit more. I want to leave this world behind just a little bit more. I'm ready to receive my brand-new, healthy body just a little bit more. I often think of a song I used to sing when I was a teenager; back then, then words didn't mean a lot to me, and I honestly didn't understand the sentiment. But it's very real to me today.
"Heaven's sounding sweeter all the time. Seems like lately it's always on my mind. Someday I'll leave this world behind. Heaven's sounding sweeter all the time."