What to Expect When You're NOT Expecting
Originally Posted July 15, 2008
Two of my dearest friends are expecting babies, and I am SO happy and excited for them! Especially my friend who also has PCOD, polycystic ovarian disease, which is a leading cause of infertility. I remember when she told me she was pregnant. She was so afraid to tell me because she thought it might make me sad. You see, my husband and I tried for almost 8 years to have a child, and we have had 3 miscarriages, one in the second trimester. Having faced infertility herself, my friend was sensitive about my feelings on the issue.
I struggled for many years with the pain of the loss of the pregnancies and the grief of not being able to have a child of my own. I would cope by steering clear of the church nursery, finding excuses not to attend baby showers, and especially doing the best I could to avoid attending church on Mother's Day...oh, how I hated that holiday! The greeters at the door of the church would always shake my hand and wish me a Happy Mother's Day, assuming that I had children. When they would ask the mothers in the audience to stand and be recognized, I felt that everyone was looking at me and wondering what was wrong with me. I was afraid to hold babies or pay special attention to small children for fear that I would burst into tears. I probably gave the impression to a lot of people that I didn't even like children at all.
It seems like everyone my age has children. If I go to a ladies Bible study or any other activity, the conversations revolve around pregnancy, childbirth, and child rearing topics. Trying to relate, I would compare stories about my dogs and cats to their baby stories. I soon learned that a lot of people were inexplicably offended by that ("Are you saying my child is like a dog?"), so I would just stay quiet and hope no one noticed how uncomfortable I felt. Once I went to the first week of a ladies' Bible study, and we were all sitting in a circle. The leader asked us to go around the room and introduce ourselves. For some reason each lady announced her name and also the ages of her children. I felt my heart pounding as it came closer to my turn to speak. What would I say? I think I finally made a little joke about being the only one there without kids. I couldn't get out of there fast enough when it was over and everyone was discussing their children again.
Even family members who are aware of our situation would say the most insensitive things sometimes. Once when Jon and I were having a little disagreement someone said, "No wonder God hasn't given you children; you still act like children yourself." And if we would mention something about their child misbehaving at a family function, the comment was "come back and give me advice when you have children." Or another of my favorites..."Of course you're on time. You don't have any children to get ready." As if I wasn't already painfully aware of that fact.
If you haven't dealt personally with infertility, you can't know the emotional anguish, the tears shed, the time spent begging God for answers. The endless ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, charts, thermometers, special diets, vitamins, herbal remedies, hopeful trips to the doctor that end in yet another disappointment. You see people having children that have been married for like 5 minutes, and you wonder when it will be your turn. You hear a mother screaming at her kids in the grocery store, and you think, "Wouldn't I be a better mother than her?" And you watch the news and see stories of mothers dumping their babies in the trash or punching their toddler in the face and you question why God would allow these people to be fertile who literally hate their children, when you would give almost anything to have them.
It's only been very recently, as my faith in God grows stronger, that I can not only be genuinely happy for my friends that are having children, but that I can also trust and understand that God has a plan for me. I know that if God had allowed us to have children, our lives would have been so much more difficult as we dealt with my illness. We would have struggled so much more as we started 2 new businesses. We wouldn't have had the financial resources to take in my younger brother and help him get started in life. We may not have had so much time to spend mentoring some of the teens that we worked with for several years. I don't know all the reasons, and I may never know. But I know that God has things for me and my future that I cannot even imagine, and I know He knows my heart's desires and understands my deepest need. He is faithful; He is good; and He loves me more than I can fathom.
If you understand what I've been talking about, if you've been there too, let me share one of my favorite passages of Scripture with you...
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. -Ephesians 3:16-21
