Never Alone

Originally Posted July 1, 2008


Recently I've been hearing a song over and over again in my head. The song is "Never Alone" by Barlow Girl. Have you ever heard the lyrics to a song and just thought, "Wow! It's like I wrote this song myself."? That's how I feel about this song. Lately, it has really felt like God didn't show up like He promised, and I'm left to meet these huge challenges by myself. I feel a lot like David in Psalm 10:1, "Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?" I mean, if I ever needed God to show Himself, it's now. It seems like just one crisis after another keeps hitting my family, and there doesn't seem to be any reprieve.

A little over a month ago, I started treatment for cataplexy, which is an aspect of narcolepsy, a sleep disorder I've had for 15 years but was misdiagnosed and undiagnosed until a couple of months ago. It's been absolutely dramatic around my house with my falling down all over the house. I've gotten trapped on the floor of my bathroom for hours, fallen in the pantry and gotten my fingers entertwined in the wiring of the shelves, gotten stuck on a chair in the livingroom while the oven timer loudly reminded me the turkey breast should have been taken out of the oven 45 minutes ago, and had the doctor call 911 in his office because I had an attack, and he didn't know what cataplexy was...neither did the paramedics!

That's not to mention the memory lapses. I have a symptom of narcolepsy called automatic behavior. Automatic behavior is when you can have a conversation or even do an activity you've done a lot, all the while being completely unaware you're doing it. Let's see...I've eaten 3 huge bowls of Raisin Bran in a row (and we won't talk about what THAT much bran does to one's colon!), sat in the car on a bridge for 2 hours while the rescue personnel went back and forth to aid in a serious accident up ahead and then had absolutely no recollection of the event later, and even fed my poor cats several times because I couldn't remember if I'd done it or not. I've started questioning myself constantly about whether things have really happened or if I've told people things already or not. It's actually pretty unnerving; I mean, you're constantly wondering what horrible or embarrassing thing you've done that you don't even know about.


My poor husband has been so exhausted, constantly checking to see if I'm still breathing when I have a cataplexy attack, trying to convince me that, yes, he DID tell me that already, dragging me across the floor because my legs won't work, and waking up in the middle of the night to comfort me when the night-time hallucinations take over. The man is practically a saint...having the responsibility of running a small business and taking care of my teenage brother and me with all my "high-maintenance" needs, as he calls it. The guilt alone of asking him to help out around the house when I've been home all day and he's been working sun-up to sun-down weighs heavily on my mind.


Throughout this time, I've found myself wondering where God was during all this. He said to call on Him and that He'd always be there, right? So....what's up? That's where the song says, "I hold tight to what I know: You're here, and I'm never alone." So many times I've found myself curled up in the fetal position on the floor, trying to sob out those words to remind myself of the truth. Satan likes to whisper in my ear that God has forsaken me, my church has forgotten me, my friends are tired of dealing with me, and my family is seeing me as a burden. These thoughts lead to the ever-present questions: Why am I here? What good can I possibly do in the world when I'm stuck at home all day just struggling to exist? Why doesn't God just take me home where I can sing songs of praise to Him face to face, without all the physical and emotional pain?


That's the time when I grab the Psalms. It's SO good to know that a man like David... a worshipper like me, a musician like me, an emotional person like me, a person who has made many mistakes like me...would struggle with feeling God's presence in the hard times, just like me. But if you keep on reading in Psalm 10, after he asks God why He's hiding, He tells God that he remembers that "You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more." David doesn't see God or feel God, but He knows God is there and will deliver him. That's where faith comes in. I don't know why God is allowing this suffering; I don't know why I feel so helpless and alone. But I know GOD IS....everything I need. "So I'll hold tight to what I know: You're here, and I'm never alone."


Lyrics to "Never Alone" by Barlow Girl:


"I waited for you today
But you didn't show No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?


I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone


And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life


We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible I'll trust the unseen"