These Four Walls

I'm only 34 years old, so people probably don't think of me as a "shut-in." When I was growing up, that's what we used to call old people who couldn't get out of the house. But that pretty much describes me. I can't drive and can't leave the house, even for a walk, without having someone with me. Want to know what it's like? In a word, lonely.

It puts a real damper on your social life when you can't just pick up the phone and call a girlfriend to meet you for lunch. To be honest, I'm afraid to make new friends because I've been rejected so many times by people who don't want to deal with the high-maintenance friend that requires a wheelchair, medication, and an instruction manual to go anywhere. So my friends are people I talk to on the phone or chat with online. Virtual people, really.

I try to stay in touch with the world through the internet, books, and TV. And the highlight of my day is when my husband comes home from work because I get to see a real live human being. Sometimes I even get to have a conversation with him if he's not too tired from being among Real People all day. Once in a while he'll call me on the way home and ask if I want to go out to dinner. If it's a pretty good day I'll take a shower, put on clothing one would wear in public, and do my hair and makeup. Then I get to pretend for about an hour that I'm a normal person doing normal things.

Honestly, sometimes I feel like the world has forgotten about me. That I don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. So I look for little ways that I can make a difference from inside my four walls. Things like writing this blog, sharing info on social networking sites, and singing once a week in my church choir with all my heart and voice. The rest of the time I fight those feelings of loneliness and desperation by listening closely for the voice of the One who knows me best and loves me most. I am His Treasure, and I am precious in His eyes.